View Full Version : Being British
Inkster
10-28-2008, 05:31 PM
Been a scabby assed Brit, i have had a lot of people ask me what it is to be British, I think the following sums it up
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign! Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won ' t miss a call from someone we didn ' t want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION.. 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth... 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars. And finally... In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet....Toodles ^^
*Hums 'God Save the Queen', hiding his tears*
Great post =D
(How's the snow where you are? If any)
Pizdzius
10-28-2008, 05:56 PM
nice humourous post peppered with sarcasm. Although I could find more ridiculous things for Poles. And for Poles in Britain. You could add that ordered pizza is brought to you by some Heniek :p
Ertial
10-28-2008, 06:23 PM
I knew this! It's hanging in the class where English is thought. It's funny. ;)
(But it could use some paragraphing!)
Malik2
10-28-2008, 06:52 PM
Everything from the supermarket through the skating rink are also true in the US.
Inkster
10-28-2008, 07:01 PM
(How's the snow where you are? If any)
Started falling 40 mins or so ago
Angel_de_Combate
10-28-2008, 07:04 PM
Had snow..but now its all gone...shame.. and great post inky :)
Miraculix
10-28-2008, 10:28 PM
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Hope you read them both, be very funny xD
Hydroxidee
10-28-2008, 10:47 PM
Hehe funny post.
But sorry it bugged me...Kebabs are not Turkish, they are Middle Eastern. I would know ;)
(Armenian, I am.)
ArcticWolf
10-29-2008, 12:00 AM
Hahahaha! And the most hillarious thing is that we, Argentinians, have the same problems. In fact, I just came back from Florida Avenue (the most famous pedestrian-only street in BA) and saw people doing some of the things on the list:
-There was a guy that ordered diet coke and a cheeseburger in Mc Donalds.
-"Milanesas a la napolitana", which is a breaded veal cutlet with tomato, ham and cheese, is named after Napoles and Milan... But it's a local food.
-We're widely known as proficient improvisers, so instead of using a screwdriver we use knives, keys and even clips.
Angel_de_Combate
10-29-2008, 01:13 AM
My definition of being british..hmm im northern..working class. I love my family and friends(a close few), Stoke people are warm, friendly people..they say "hiya duck, how are you ?", most people ive met from other parts of England are lovely, there are exceptions, but thats the same everywhere. Sounds funny ..but i like the weather here..if i was suddenly put in a country that was sunny all the time..id get homesick, id miss the rain :). History is important, we have castles ffs, heritage plays a huge part in tourism. British comedians such as, Lee Evans, Jack Dee, Matt Lucas and David Wallace, Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French, Peter Sellers, Chris Barrie, Bill Bailey, The Two Ronnies..need i go on. British fashion and designers..Vivienne Westwood, Thomas Burberry(Chav clothing king)Betty Jackson, Julian Macdonald, Alexander McQueen and Paul Smith to name a few..We have food like my home towns oatcakes(nice with cheese on), Marmite, huge amounts of tea, jammy dodgers, digestives, english teas..consisting of scones, clotted cream and jam, plus a pot of tea, eccles cakes, cheeses...hmm my fav being cheshire, some really decent beers, stouts and ciders..omfg the list is endless..now im getting hungry. British music, British made cars, pottery(although bloody pot banks are closing), please please tell me if i missed anything out..but theres too much to list !!!
Look sure us British have our strange ways about life, but thats what makes us different. We live in a beautiful land..(not counting birmingham lol, jks), fantastic cities, wonderful landscapes, and beautiful coasts. I think if i ever won the lottery..i would love to travel..but id make sure ..that explore England more first, pack up and go travel in a camper van :)
British and proud !!!
_dracus_
10-29-2008, 05:18 PM
Meco you have pot bank in England ? is that Anarchy in the U.K. ?
PS: I never understood why they sell light soda at Mc Donnalds when the sandwiches contains already so much sugar and fat.
Angel_de_Combate
10-29-2008, 06:14 PM
Meco you have pot bank in England ? is that Anarchy in the U.K. ?
PS: I never understood why they sell light soda at Mc Donnalds when the sandwiches contains already so much sugar and fat.
Pottery banks...erm here :-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladstone_Pottery_Museum
The strange building..is called a bottle kiln, where pottery placed and fired to harden the clay :)
EDIT : Staffordshire is where i live
Pizdzius
10-29-2008, 07:20 PM
http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/john-cleese-ministry-of-silly-walks.jpg
fluffy_muffin
10-29-2008, 08:27 PM
Well but nothing can beat that http://www.metacafe.com/watch/577506/strange_interesting_water_taps_uk/
Nothing. :D
R u one of thes Inkster, great post :D:D where did u get this pice of information
Static_Fang
10-30-2008, 10:34 PM
nice humourous post peppered with sarcasm. Although I could find more ridiculous things for Poles. And for Poles in Britain. You could add that ordered pizza is brought to you by some Heniek :p
What this person said is what i'm going by.
Zordak
10-31-2008, 08:30 PM
omg beer from belgium
Z.
Xero_Aurion
10-31-2008, 10:22 PM
Hmm...hearing all of this makes me wonder what it's like to live there? Damn I should go there sometime xD But I live all the way in Canada. Well I've made my post for the year :p time to go back in me cave.
/me goes back to do lab reports ^_^
UmarilsStillHere
11-03-2008, 10:10 PM
Hmm...hearing all of this makes me wonder what it's like to live there? Damn I should go there sometime xD But I live all the way in Canada. Well I've made my post for the year :p time to go back in me cave.
/me goes back to do lab reports ^_^
Dont, :p
Hehe read them before Mira they art immence :)
Angel_de_Combate
11-03-2008, 10:19 PM
Dont, :p
Hehe read them before Mira they art immence :)
I see my edited british and proud in your sig :P Copycat lol
UmarilsStillHere
11-03-2008, 10:30 PM
Muha muha muhahahahahahahahahahahaaaa
Angel_de_Combate
11-03-2008, 10:32 PM
Muha muha muhahahahahahahahahahahaaaa
Cheeky bugger :P I should have copywrited it, <goes off to watch the docu on the Titanic on Channel 4, which ill fall asleep too> hehe
UmarilsStillHere
11-03-2008, 10:33 PM
/me is off to watch American Shows on his Jap's TV CSI awaaaaay... :p
Rockwolf_
11-05-2008, 10:34 AM
...beer which should be served warm and flat...
I'm never drinking British beer, that's for sure.
Leffe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leffe) for the win! :drinks: xD
Angel_de_Combate
11-05-2008, 10:47 AM
...beer which should be served warm and flat...
I'm never drinking British beer, that's for sure.
Leffe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leffe) for the win! :drinks: xD
Your saying British beer is warm and flat..cos if so where have you been...cos it aint :P
Rockwolf_
11-05-2008, 02:10 PM
Your saying British beer is warm and flat..cos if so where have you been...cos it aint :P
I was quoting the OP, but I forgot about the 'quote' button :p
But I drank guinness once, that's Irish (= close enough to British xD) and it tastes terrible.
Besides, a comedian who originally was from England once said
on tv (he was in England at the time):
"English beer is like having sex on a boat: fucking close to water!"
xD It cracked me up! Hahaha...
EDIT: I think it was Nigel Williams who said that.
Angel_de_Combate
11-05-2008, 03:09 PM
I was quoting the OP, but I forgot about the 'quote' button :p
But I drank guinness once, that's Irish (= close enough to British xD) and it tastes terrible.
Bloody gorgeous stuff guinness, a meal in a glass :)
Besides, a comedian who originally was from England once said
on tv (he was in England at the time):
"English beer is like having sex on a boat: fucking close to water!"
xD It cracked me up! Hahaha..
EDIT: I think it was Nigel Williams who said that.
LOL hmmm well tbh..i only like British ales..if i want beer..id rather have one from Belgium, Germany, Czech etc..it was my Brit pride that got dented tis all.
Rockwolf_
11-05-2008, 03:52 PM
Bloody gorgeous stuff guinness, a meal in a glass :)
LOL hmmm well tbh..i only like British ales..if i want beer..id rather have one from Belgium, Germany, Czech etc..it was my Brit pride that got dented tis all.
Hehe ^^ well... if you're ever in Flanders, I'll buy you a nice cold Leffe. :drinks: xD
Angel_de_Combate
11-05-2008, 03:56 PM
Hehe ^^ well... if you're ever in Flanders, I'll buy you a nice cold Leffe. :drinks: xD
Well if i ever get around to travelling, ill take you up on that :P
_dracus_
11-05-2008, 06:38 PM
Hehe ^^ well... if you're ever in Flanders, I'll buy you a nice cold Leffe. :drinks: xD
Trappist Rochefort 10 ftw! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rochefort_Brewery)
DkySven
11-05-2008, 08:44 PM
Trappist Rochefort 10 ftw! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rochefort_Brewery)
Isn't Rochefort French cheese?
makarios68
11-05-2008, 08:46 PM
It's Bonfire Night in the UK.
Only in Little Britain would people light a huge fire on a local field, make an effigy of a real-life person (Guy Fawkes) out of old clothes and stuffed with newspapers, then throw him onto the fire in a simulated execution by burning him alive.
(Also, every person living on an estate in Britain tonight will fear for their wooden garden fences when people have a little too much to drink and the fire is burning low and more wood is needed to keep the party going.)
Angel_de_Combate
11-05-2008, 11:53 PM
It's Bonfire Night in the UK.
Only in Little Britain would people light a huge fire on a local field, make an effigy of a real-life person (Guy Fawkes) out of old clothes and stuffed with newspapers, then throw him onto the fire in a simulated execution by burning him alive.
(Also, every person living on an estate in Britain tonight will fear for their wooden garden fences when people have a little too much to drink and the fire is burning low and more wood is needed to keep the party going.)
My party (aka fireworks) will be on sat as its my cousins b'day on fri and my sis's on sunday..im making the cake..(choc fudge cake..by nigella lawson)..cue lots of thai food, vodka, cards and other gambling games and the general merriment yay !!! I may take some pics..depends how pissed i get tbh :)
ALWAYS FOLLOW THE FIREWORKS CODE
Inkster
11-06-2008, 02:13 PM
It is also Biritish to recite rude poems
WARNING YOUNG PEOPLE OR ANYONE EASILY OFFENDED DONT READ THE FOLLOWING
'The time has come'
The walrus said
'To speak of many things!'
'Of piss and shit and soddomy
'And the buggery of rings'
And as he spoke 1000 whores
In dirty Drawers came marching down the Strand
'Do you suppose' the walrus said
'That we could raise a stand?'
'I doubt it' said the carpenter
'But would it not be grand!'
And all the time the filthy git was comming, in his hand!
When you were only sweet 16, an had a tiny quim
You stood before the looking glass
And popped 1 finger in
But now your getting old and grey
And losing all of your charm
I can get 5 fingers in
And half my bloody arm
Amen
SPARTISH
11-07-2008, 12:28 AM
lol the queens not even Brittish
Rockwolf_
11-07-2008, 01:12 PM
Isn't Rochefort French cheese?
Yep, but it is also the beer mentioned before. One of them was not original when naming his/her product xD
I like Leffe more though ^^
If I do drink a dark beer, it will be Keizer Karel (Emperor Carl) (http://www.keizerkarel.be/praktisch.htm)
BTW asdfghs: the cheese you know goes well with the beers we mention ;)
_dracus_
11-07-2008, 02:01 PM
Isn't Rochefort French cheese?
Not at all the cheese is called Roquefort. However I like both.
DkySven
11-07-2008, 09:33 PM
Thanks
French spelling never was one of my strong points :)
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