A resolution

[Kitsuni]

Hello,

Many users may know this already, I am the user formerly known as Mikan. I chose
to abandon that name after it become enbroiled in too much drama -
particularly with complaints regarding my post count and karma, and a reputation
that was once good but gradually spoiled over time by my increasing instability.
This is completely my fault, and to those who I have either amused or offended,
I want to explain why, because it is something I have been running from for a
very long time, but I cannot anymore.

For the past five years I have been suffering from a host of health problems, as
I have a number of genetic, inherited disorders and birth defects, including a
heart problem. On the surface, I appear to be completely healthy, but I suffer
from issues such as physical, mental and emotional fatigue, mental instability
and body-wide muscle and joint pain. These could be collectively refered to as a
"disease", which has slowly progressed to a worse state year after year, and
will eventually either kill me or leave me unable to live properly.

To combat this, I take very strong pain killers and other medications (although
not all of the time - I tend to skip them as I do have a strong ego and like to
try to handle things myself). This results in altered mood states, clouded
judgement, even further increased fatigue and unstable behavior, causing me to
be very inconsistent in my portrayal - fine one day, and terrible the next. The
extreme amount of stress I go through in my daily life, from a variety of
sources, make this even worse. My long breaks from Regnum throughout the years
have actually been a result of me being physically unable to play any longer
during those times.

I am not asking for sympathy. I just wish to apologise to all of those who I
have caused problems for over the years, thank those who have been there through
it with me no matter how bad I became, and give an explanation to those who
probably don't care but deserve to know anyway. This isn't a whine, just an
admission of guilt, a facing of truths, and a prepration for the inevitable
conclusion. I will continue to post and play until I am no longer able to do so,
and contrary to popular believe, I do have a life (and a lifely wife, Nekoko). I
simply play Regnum so much because I literally cannot do anything else most of
the time. I am sincerely sorry if I gave the wrong image to those who are
against me; it was never my intention. And while I do everything I can to
prevent conflict and not come off as a complete douchebag, sometimes it is
impossible for me to control.

All I can do is make up after the fact, and carry on.

[Mexandrew]

As Mikan's friend of over 7 years, I'd like to say a few words about this matter. Over the years I've seen the situation Mikan has lived in, and I've come to understand why would someone act like she did some times. Even I've experienced the feeling, and I'm sure some of you have. When there's so many things going wrong in your life, and one, even small, finally breaks your temprance... And when you have so little things to find solace in, and one goes wrong, you unwillingly lash out at it. Like her, I'm not trying to raise sympathy. But rather, I'm here to vouch for the honesty of her apology. I've sometimes been the target of her outbursts. And in the confusion, I know I've made early judgements, and it just worsens things. But afterwards, I realize that it's all just a dumb mistake, and things get solved. So, I ask you to take a moment before replying. I know Mikan will try her best not to make the same mistake again.

We have all done mistakes in the past, and forgiveness is the only medicine we need in those times. After all, we learn through our mistakes.

[Nekoko]

I've been with Mikan a long time now through some ups and downs, health issues are hard on people and make everything else much harder, I hope people realise that. I don't really agree with her thinking she has caused problems on the forums but I might be bias, hard not to be. Most mistakes generally fade out over time as people get over them I'm sure this will happen here. I'll always be by your side.

[Angel_de_Combate]

Wow what an inspiring post.
I have to say that over the years i've never seen you to cause any problems in the forums, as for in game..i haven't really played next to you in Ra but in Horus i mean honestly you can be a bit bossy lol(let's face it Alsius needs it ) Funny thing is seeing this post i was thinking last night about how you interact with players in game on Horus and frankly we need more passionate, outspoken, tactically minded people like you and Nekoko your knowledge about the game itself and its mechanics is second to none. Thank you for sharing with us what you go through on a day to day basis, for many im sure(myself included) it's a pleasure that you spend so much time on the game. Stay strong Mikan.

See i identify with what your saying i too have taken things out on players in game, usually as a result of things that are happening in real. Is this the reason i realm hopped on horus? Hmm yea prolly but not the only reasons though. It's easy to say that its just a game, but I have come to realise that your actions or your words can upset and stay with people for years to come. Never be too proud to apologise and you've done this very very well and as polite, as eloquent as ever Mikan. You can't be friends with everyone but you can try to be on 'even' ground with as many as you can muster, the trick is i've found is to just let people be. As you know this post will comfort some but possibly still upset others, that's human nature after all just stay true to yourself Mikan.

[Freduardo]

Mikan,

From my perspective, I really don't see any reason why you should feel the need to apologize either.

Having had the pleasure of knowing you a little, I have not seen any more disproportionate "ragings" then any other player. Neither in game, on these forums or on IRC. On the contrary even, there are other players, myself included, who are much more aggressive when something rubs them the wrong way. Be it in game, or in real life. I'm just lucky I type so slow, the game's logout timer is usually finished by the time I've typed up my 'ragequit reason of the day'.
Sure, maybe there have been some issues between your previous forum name and some people. But pretty much any opinion will have someone disagreeing with. Except that we all liek mudkipz of course. As long as the discussion about it stays civil and constructive, no harm can be done.
The times that it doesn't, I would rather attribute to a 'need to be leet' you inevitably find in any community than anything meant or provoked by you.

Your reasons for typing up this resolution are of course entirely your own. And if it leads to a better understanding as to why you sometimes act odd (but we all do), then the purpose is served. As Meco said, you can never please everyone anyway, as much as you'd like to.

As for your health issues, I obviously hope you can find the best way possible to deal with them.

Both your, and Nekoko's, presence and activity in and around the game are highly appreciated by most, if not all of Alsius/Horus I am sure. And I hope it can stay like this for a very long time. At least until Chilko et al. cash in with Blizzard or something and take all our xim to retire at Mar del Plata.

[Sevalecan]

I've known her for about 5-6 years as well. In that time, I've definitely experienced the ups and downs. Along with any storms, however, there's always a much warmer, nicer person down inside her, and I'm not convinced she ever chooses to be anything else, even if it is hard to understand when things aren't always that way.

[Knekelvoeste]

Love the post but there is definetly no reason for you to apologise for anything. You are one of the few nice people left in Regnum that i know.

[Castingbeast]

Originally Posted by Knekelvoeste

there is definetly no reason for you to apologise for anything. You are one of the few nice people left in Regnum that i know.

^^ What knek said, you're a nice person, no matter what the others say, keep doing what youve been doing in-game, and get well!!

Ps: and grind more with me at Imp ffs lol

[Guardian_Angel]

You've never been anything but kind to me, you have no reason to be sorry to anyone. You're a good player and a good person, and I sincerely hope you stick around.

(P.S You're in the wrong clan)

[Saryad]

You have never done anything to me to make me dislike you in any way shape or form.
All the contact i have had with you, you have been a really kind and friendly person to me.

Life can deal you a really shitty hand of cards, the real measure of a person is what they manage to do with them, and from what i know your not doing a bad job at all.

If you ever feel like a chat or are just a bit lonely and nobody else you know is on then i'm always available for a friend in need.

Keep your chin up!

~Saint

EDIT: and if anyone says anything bad about you in front of me i will hurt them.