Horus story the legend of Dark Barbarian

Dark_Barbarian · 04-20-2010, 02:56 AM

Chapter 3 the Battle for Eferias Castle

Once again, where we left off Dark Barbarian the Legendary Barbarian sets off to Herbred fort and he has already Conqerd it.

Dark Barbarian sets his army to Move South and Wyatt's force heads north to Algaros fort. there DB gets troubled on how nearly its impossible to get Eferias castle, Eferias castle holds a warlock named Nightchill, the master and Lord of all the warlocks in the known land of syrtis.

DB sends a scout into Eferias castle, 3 days have past he has never returned. DB feared that Nightchill has already sense he was coming and already feasted on his scouts blood and soul.

DB goes on ahead of the force, there he said "stand down i have a message". DB and Nightchill have talked for 3 hours, DB walks out of the castle unharmed and DB says "OK every one its time to turn this fortress to dust" DB's men froze for a few secs then they cheered him on.

DB falls back into the middle of the group archers moved to the front along them where knights with towering shields, archers fired at the wall of archers, the archers on the wall fired back, DB used a powerful tacticed to turn the tide of battle. he order the archers to the back, all the knights moved up fast and all the arrows where blocked, all the archers on the wall where dead and wounded.

DB and his army charged with DB's power he jumped into the air and with a power strike the door was completely crushed. Nightchill unleashed a powerful wave of fire, DB fell stomach flat on the ground the wave past him with a few scorch marks on his back, with in sec his whole army was torn to ashes DB burst with rage, Nightchill got the upper hand of his power and drained his Strength, DB got weaker and weaker and Nightchill grew ever SO stronger, with luck DB Hold up the Divine slayer sword, all of that power was countered back, DB strength grew Nightchill got weaker.

it is said to legend the divine slayer was crafted by the ancient gods 4000 years ago for daen rha to use it is said hold the power to counter a stronger magic force way beyond the spiritual plain where all of the magic force is made and it is said that beyond the spiritual plain is nothing but pure energy Strong as the force of life, DB took advantage of what the ancient scrolls that have said what is beyond the spiritual plain and it has also said to what ancient weapon can counter it, DB chose very wise.

nightchill got SO weak and couldn't move he was flat on his back. DB got up and stabbed him in the chest with the divine slayer, the divine slayer took up nightchill life force to feed its self and now the battle of eferias castle ended.

next chapter is the Great Apocalypse.

To be Continued

tikinho · 04-20-2010, 07:35 AM

Cool story, only the lag and the low fps are missing to be a real one.

Can't wait for the Continude.

Torin_Ironfist · 04-20-2010, 12:03 PM

Loved the story DB

Just wondering, will the continude have nekkids in it?

Pizdzius · 04-20-2010, 03:27 PM

Arafails · 04-20-2010, 03:32 PM

Yo DB, could you help out us peeps with mild dyslexia and split it out into paragraphs?

Cheers.

Mattdoesrock · 04-20-2010, 04:43 PM

I'm speechless.

Pizdzius · 04-20-2010, 05:04 PM

Ok, let me be honest with you, as we usually prefer to stay "positively sarcastic".

You should fix those words:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dark_Barbarian

Conqerd
trubled
impssible
returnd
feard
sence
comming
every one
tacticed
he order the archers
chrushed
stomac
counterd
spirituel
spirituel
advantige
anceint
couldent
stabed
Continude

Also, decide when writing, which time you're using. Whether past simple, continuous, or the present. It's impossible to get the action of anything you have written. I admit myself, not being a native speaker, that it's very hard for me to learn english grammar, but at least I am trying to be as clear as I can.

And maybe learn how to use punctuation. "." "," are basics of communication.
And a paragraph or two are nice, it's used for dividing a column of text to smaller, tight in construction, easy to understand and assimilate parts.

And it's all very very brief. Try to dig up what's dramaturgy and suspense. Prolong what's useful to build a psychological tension.

I hope I helped.

I know it's very important to express what's in your mind as quickly as possible, but sit down and write it down in notepad. Then sit for a longer time, fix all mistakes and add some more thought to it.

j4np0l · 04-20-2010, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dark_Barbarian

with luck DB Hold up the Divine slayer sword...

...but before that, he threatened to commit suicide several times because the gods didn`t want to give him the sword:

http://www.regnumonline.com.ar/forum...ad.php?t=59777

Pizdzius · 04-20-2010, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by j4np0l

...but before that, he threatened to commit suicide several times because the gods didn`t want to give him the sword:

http://www.regnumonline.com.ar/forum...ad.php?t=59777

Let the boy have his imagination

j4np0l · 04-20-2010, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pizdzius

Let the boy have his imagination

Let me have mine

It was just a funny comment, I like his story

04-20-2010, 02:56 AM	#1
Dark_Barbarian Initiate Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Delaware USA Posts: 211	Horus story the legend of Dark Barbarian Chapter 3 the Battle for Eferias Castle Once again, where we left off Dark Barbarian the Legendary Barbarian sets off to Herbred fort and he has already Conqerd it. Dark Barbarian sets his army to Move South and Wyatt's force heads north to Algaros fort. there DB gets troubled on how nearly its impossible to get Eferias castle, Eferias castle holds a warlock named Nightchill, the master and Lord of all the warlocks in the known land of syrtis. DB sends a scout into Eferias castle, 3 days have past he has never returned. DB feared that Nightchill has already sense he was coming and already feasted on his scouts blood and soul. DB goes on ahead of the force, there he said "stand down i have a message". DB and Nightchill have talked for 3 hours, DB walks out of the castle unharmed and DB says "OK every one its time to turn this fortress to dust" DB's men froze for a few secs then they cheered him on. DB falls back into the middle of the group archers moved to the front along them where knights with towering shields, archers fired at the wall of archers, the archers on the wall fired back, DB used a powerful tacticed to turn the tide of battle. he order the archers to the back, all the knights moved up fast and all the arrows where blocked, all the archers on the wall where dead and wounded. DB and his army charged with DB's power he jumped into the air and with a power strike the door was completely crushed. Nightchill unleashed a powerful wave of fire, DB fell stomach flat on the ground the wave past him with a few scorch marks on his back, with in sec his whole army was torn to ashes DB burst with rage, Nightchill got the upper hand of his power and drained his Strength, DB got weaker and weaker and Nightchill grew ever SO stronger, with luck DB Hold up the Divine slayer sword, all of that power was countered back, DB strength grew Nightchill got weaker. it is said to legend the divine slayer was crafted by the ancient gods 4000 years ago for daen rha to use it is said hold the power to counter a stronger magic force way beyond the spiritual plain where all of the magic force is made and it is said that beyond the spiritual plain is nothing but pure energy Strong as the force of life, DB took advantage of what the ancient scrolls that have said what is beyond the spiritual plain and it has also said to what ancient weapon can counter it, DB chose very wise. nightchill got SO weak and couldn't move he was flat on his back. DB got up and stabbed him in the chest with the divine slayer, the divine slayer took up nightchill life force to feed its self and now the battle of eferias castle ended. next chapter is the Great Apocalypse. To be Continued Last edited by Dark_Barbarian; 04-21-2010 at 06:53 PM.

04-20-2010, 03:27 PM	#4
Pizdzius Baron Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Polish Side of RA Posts: 779	__________________ Pizdzius Swedzioszek Leader of CBA Regnum Comic <- my Regnum Comic , RSS version -> RSS (if you wish to contact me on my other realm character: Ignis - Josephine)

04-20-2010, 03:32 PM	#5
Arafails Baron Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Not where it looks like, to either of us. Posts: 706	Yo DB, could you help out us peeps with mild dyslexia and split it out into paragraphs? Cheers. __________________ If you can't detect sarcasm yourself, please pay attention when it's pointed out to you. Arathael :: Wyrd Sceote :: Gwn M'ger — Soul Taker, Imperial Guard of Ignis

04-20-2010, 04:43 PM	#6
Mattdoesrock Count Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: England, UK. Posts: 1,055	I'm speechless. __________________ MattdoesJOKE_#40_NOT_FOUND RA / Hor... Haven?

04-20-2010, 07:35 AM	#2
tikinho Initiate Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 244	Cool story, only the lag and the low fps are missing to be a real one. Can't wait for the Continude.

04-20-2010, 12:03 PM	#3
Torin_Ironfist Secondary account Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome Posts: 212	Loved the story DB Just wondering, will the continude have nekkids in it?