The Medenet Times: HORUS Edition

Signatus · 03-11-2011, 12:53 AM

Quote of the day:

A good goat is a roasted goat. A good Nordo is an incipient doorman. A good midget is the Molok’s best key chain!

in “Tatian’s Collection of Molok Proverbs”

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE IGNEAN MINISTER OF WAR-IN-TIMES-OF-GRINDING

In this glave… hour… perhaps… the most fateful… in our histoly,… I send… to evely household of my peoples,… both at home and overseas,… this message,… spoken with the same a-depth of feeling for each one of you as if I were able to cross your threshold and speak to you… … … myself…

Ufff, now I know why he got the Oscar…

(Clears throat)

For the fifty-thousandth time in the lives of most of us, the goats prefer to kill mindless creatures and the gelfs take too much time to gather four times our numbers. Over and over again we have tried to find a brutal way to work out the differences between ourselves and those who lack skill to be our enemies. But it was in vain. We have been forced into hardening our conflict. For we are called to meet the challenge of a principle which, if it were to prevail, would be fatal to any civilized order in the world.

It is the principle which permits a state, in the selfish pursuit of self-satisfaction, to disregard its treaties and solemn pledges of waging decent and fruitful war against their neighbours.

Such a principle, stripped of all disguise, is surely the mere primitive doctrine that killing creatures is proof of might; and if this principle were established throughout the world, the might of our own country would be in danger. But far more than this – the peoples of the world would be kept in the bondage of laziness and all hopes of enjoying war and constant fight among nations would be ended.

This is the ultimate issue which confronts us. For the sake of all that we ourselves hold dear, the world’s war and destruction, it is unthinkable that we should refuse to meet the challenge.

It is to this high purpose that I now call my people who will make our cause their own. I ask them to raise arms, firm and united in this time of trial. The task will be hard. There may be dark days ahead, or at least we certainly hope so, and war can no longer be confined to Samal, Herbred and Aggersborg. But we can only do the right as we see the right, and reverently commit our cause to Junuamar. If one and all we keep resolutely faithful to it, ready for whatever service or sacrifice it may demand, then, with everyone's help, we shall prevail.

Spare them no quarter. Hunt them wherever they roam. Break them once again.

IGNIS WILL PREVAIL!!!

Now, where’s the milk and cookies?

REVIEW ON FOREIGN PRESS: ALSIUS DAILIES

This week’s review leads us to some smuggled Alsius magazines, carefully translated by a war prisoner before having him properly skinned under the illusion that freedom would be his reward.

“Uuuk, Uuuk nº 562”: the featured article of what it seems to be a trivialities newspaper is a compliment about some Alsius soldier-wannabe achieving an impressive count on mindless beasts kill.

“Uuuk, Uuuk nº 565”: again, the featured article is a compliment about another Alsius soldier-wannabe achieving an impressive count on mindless beasts kill, apparently described as something about “Iiuuuuiik Golem”, and roughly equivalent to 1/50 of an average Ignean soldier.

“VIP Uuuk, Uuuk nº 011”: the featured article of what it seems to be a Celebrities magazine is a sexual scandal between a married goat warrior, whose husband stays at Montsognir taking care of her child, and several Nordo warriors in the Alsius forts vicinities, Shanarid (!), Ignis Orc Camp and even Samal market (which proves the theory that Ignis temperature is the ideal to make hot, hot, hot, loooove). Apparently this “goat-fatale” is a heart crusher… needless is to say we have no idea how a goat can be sexy since we are so used to our sassy Dark Elves, Skelics and Molok women!

“Uuuk, Uuuk nº 567”: again some more mumbo jumbo about a midget being able to kill a less than impressive number of beasts five times his size.

“ VIP Uuuk, Uuuk nº 167”: the featured article on this number is about some resolution a female midget has taken. Here at the TMT:Hed we can only promise we will always abide by her request: we will hold no sympathy in the WZ.

“Uuuk, Uuuk nº 600”: bla, bla, bla, bla, a half made excuse for a soldier has reached an impressive number of monsters kills bla, bla, bla, we will always recognize the courage and honor the Alsirian warriors have demonstrated on facing such dangerous adversaries as Yetis, bla, bla, bla, only if those overpowered Igneans left us alone in our beach we could continue on facing these dangerous beasts bla, bla, bla, U Jelly I killed a Yeti?

BETonIGNIS.com RELEASES A NEW BET

The famous Ignean bet house has released odds for a new game, bet now and see your magnas greatly increased!!!

Who’s going to be the first Ignean Warmaster?

A high level barbarian running around in bear fur – 10,90

A high level knight "Jr" that already started collecting the pieces only to find himself dragging more load than he should – 10,90

A high level knight whose family name is “The Noob” – 10,90

A high level warlock who needs a bath – 10,90

A high level marksman that whenever dies causes the following reaction: “OMG they kill(ed)Kenny!!!” – 10,90

A high level female dark elf barbarian always guarded by “The Noob”, causing great despair among several interested parties – 10,90

Someone else – 5,01

Van – 1,000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000001

AND NOW SOME NEWS FROM THE OUTER PLANE!

NGD to raise lvl cap up to 70!

An undisclosed source has confirmed to the TMT:Hed that NGD will raise the lvl cap up to 70! Further investigation was able to find the source of this decision. Our reporter in Las Vegas tells the story:

Every year millions of players get to know, for a fact, that the “house” always wins! This important lesson was learned recently by an Argentinian game developer who has stretched the convention budget a “little” bit too much. An unconfirmed house dealer tells us the story:

- So you are the house dealer that gave the cards to this Argentinian game developer right?

- Yes it was me. I was running table 13. Usually a quiet one…

- So tell us what happened.

- This latin guy with a Florida accent comes up and asked me to deal the cards. First I asked the security if it was ok, I’m no racist but everybody knows latin people are lazy thieves! The security said he was on a convention and it was ok. Before I gave the cards I called my bitch to tell her there was a convention going on and she had to cash in…

- Yes… ok… please jump to the game part.

- Ok, so this guy starts playing and I let him win a couple of times, and he says something like “YaY, que bueno, this looks like when Ignis is beating the crap out of the other realms!”. I had no idea what that meant but, since he was happy, I started getting my result. Don’t tell anyone but we get bonuses on player losses.

- Please go on…

- As I continue he gets all sweaty and nervous, mumbling something like “La p%$a ma#$e, I was sure my hand would resist… this looks like SoW, you are counting on Aces but won’t even get faces!”. Well, at this point I was starting to feel pity on the poor soul, so I asked him if he was sure he wanted to continue playing, and he said something like “Oh don’t worry, Alsius Horus spends enough plata to pay this all!”

- Oh he did?...

- Yeah, so from that moment on I just leeched the guy like a knight casting pointless auras on a grinding party… ah… (clears throat)… I mean… what a hell, I just fulminated him!

- What then?

- Well, he got pretty shaken, left my table saying something like “Nothing that a lvl 70 cap won’t fix…”.

FORBES RELEASED THE LIST OF THE RICHEST REALMS

… and Alsius Horus ranked first place. This only proves the few get richer while the many get poorer. Several concerned citizens, that also happen to be Regnum players, are already planning to pledge a special social benefit channeled to buy ximerin in order to keep the virtual self with the same opportunities then their richer pairs. An unconfirmed EU secretary already stated that Ignean players WILL NOT receive such benefit since they are, by definition, overpowered relating their Syrtian counterparts. As things stand Syrtian players might get a help for getting their characters up to 60, in order to be competitive against ¼ of a lvl 50 Ignean player.

LAST PAGE

- What’s the difference between a Gelf and a Goat?
- Dunno…
- Both backpedal when they see the might of the Ignean army, but only gelfs do so against a tree.

JennyfromtheBlock · 03-11-2011, 01:02 AM

That is Epic!

VandaMan · 03-11-2011, 01:07 AM

Envy · 03-11-2011, 01:13 AM

Nice

This is actually believable war time propaganda.

Miraculix · 03-11-2011, 01:36 AM

Maybe if you spent more time grinding instead of bitching about goats you'd all be 60 too

lala110593 · 03-11-2011, 01:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miraculix

Maybe if you spent more time grinding instead of bitching about goats you'd all be 60 too

http://images1.memegenerator.net/Ima...ust-Saiyan.jpg

your not the brightest are you? hes not upset hes lvl 60, hes upset there is no war because every alsius is busy getting lvl 60... think, i know thats hard to do when your main is a hunter.

but yeah dude, thats pretty good, you should look into a career in journalism hehe.

-glulose

Southern_Filly · 03-11-2011, 02:10 AM

AMAZING! Love it and so impressively written!

DkySven · 03-11-2011, 06:59 PM

The Medenet Times are back \o/

Roxxxy · 03-11-2011, 10:29 PM

Wow, well written, humorous and very true! <3

03-11-2011, 12:53 AM	#1
Signatus Master Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Damn, I'm lost again!... but now I have a map, wiii! Posts: 389	The Medenet Times: HORUS Edition Quote of the day: A good goat is a roasted goat. A good Nordo is an incipient doorman. A good midget is the Molok’s best key chain! in “Tatian’s Collection of Molok Proverbs” SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE IGNEAN MINISTER OF WAR-IN-TIMES-OF-GRINDING In this glave… hour… perhaps… the most fateful… in our histoly,… I send… to evely household of my peoples,… both at home and overseas,… this message,… spoken with the same a-depth of feeling for each one of you as if I were able to cross your threshold and speak to you… … … myself… Ufff, now I know why he got the Oscar… (Clears throat) For the fifty-thousandth time in the lives of most of us, the goats prefer to kill mindless creatures and the gelfs take too much time to gather four times our numbers. Over and over again we have tried to find a brutal way to work out the differences between ourselves and those who lack skill to be our enemies. But it was in vain. We have been forced into hardening our conflict. For we are called to meet the challenge of a principle which, if it were to prevail, would be fatal to any civilized order in the world. It is the principle which permits a state, in the selfish pursuit of self-satisfaction, to disregard its treaties and solemn pledges of waging decent and fruitful war against their neighbours. Such a principle, stripped of all disguise, is surely the mere primitive doctrine that killing creatures is proof of might; and if this principle were established throughout the world, the might of our own country would be in danger. But far more than this – the peoples of the world would be kept in the bondage of laziness and all hopes of enjoying war and constant fight among nations would be ended. This is the ultimate issue which confronts us. For the sake of all that we ourselves hold dear, the world’s war and destruction, it is unthinkable that we should refuse to meet the challenge. It is to this high purpose that I now call my people who will make our cause their own. I ask them to raise arms, firm and united in this time of trial. The task will be hard. There may be dark days ahead, or at least we certainly hope so, and war can no longer be confined to Samal, Herbred and Aggersborg. But we can only do the right as we see the right, and reverently commit our cause to Junuamar. If one and all we keep resolutely faithful to it, ready for whatever service or sacrifice it may demand, then, with everyone's help, we shall prevail. Spare them no quarter. Hunt them wherever they roam. Break them once again. IGNIS WILL PREVAIL!!! Now, where’s the milk and cookies? REVIEW ON FOREIGN PRESS: ALSIUS DAILIES This week’s review leads us to some smuggled Alsius magazines, carefully translated by a war prisoner before having him properly skinned under the illusion that freedom would be his reward. “Uuuk, Uuuk nº 562”: the featured article of what it seems to be a trivialities newspaper is a compliment about some Alsius soldier-wannabe achieving an impressive count on mindless beasts kill. “Uuuk, Uuuk nº 565”: again, the featured article is a compliment about another Alsius soldier-wannabe achieving an impressive count on mindless beasts kill, apparently described as something about “Iiuuuuiik Golem”, and roughly equivalent to 1/50 of an average Ignean soldier. “VIP Uuuk, Uuuk nº 011”: the featured article of what it seems to be a Celebrities magazine is a sexual scandal between a married goat warrior, whose husband stays at Montsognir taking care of her child, and several Nordo warriors in the Alsius forts vicinities, Shanarid (!), Ignis Orc Camp and even Samal market (which proves the theory that Ignis temperature is the ideal to make hot, hot, hot, loooove). Apparently this “goat-fatale” is a heart crusher… needless is to say we have no idea how a goat can be sexy since we are so used to our sassy Dark Elves, Skelics and Molok women! “Uuuk, Uuuk nº 567”: again some more mumbo jumbo about a midget being able to kill a less than impressive number of beasts five times his size. “ VIP Uuuk, Uuuk nº 167”: the featured article on this number is about some resolution a female midget has taken. Here at the TMT:Hed we can only promise we will always abide by her request: we will hold no sympathy in the WZ. “Uuuk, Uuuk nº 600”: bla, bla, bla, bla, a half made excuse for a soldier has reached an impressive number of monsters kills bla, bla, bla, we will always recognize the courage and honor the Alsirian warriors have demonstrated on facing such dangerous adversaries as Yetis, bla, bla, bla, only if those overpowered Igneans left us alone in our beach we could continue on facing these dangerous beasts bla, bla, bla, U Jelly I killed a Yeti? BETonIGNIS.com RELEASES A NEW BET The famous Ignean bet house has released odds for a new game, bet now and see your magnas greatly increased!!! Who’s going to be the first Ignean Warmaster? A high level barbarian running around in bear fur – 10,90 A high level knight "Jr" that already started collecting the pieces only to find himself dragging more load than he should – 10,90 A high level knight whose family name is “The Noob” – 10,90 A high level warlock who needs a bath – 10,90 A high level marksman that whenever dies causes the following reaction: “OMG they kill(ed)Kenny!!!” – 10,90 A high level female dark elf barbarian always guarded by “The Noob”, causing great despair among several interested parties – 10,90 Someone else – 5,01 Van – 1,000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000001 AND NOW SOME NEWS FROM THE OUTER PLANE! NGD to raise lvl cap up to 70! An undisclosed source has confirmed to the TMT:Hed that NGD will raise the lvl cap up to 70! Further investigation was able to find the source of this decision. Our reporter in Las Vegas tells the story: Every year millions of players get to know, for a fact, that the “house” always wins! This important lesson was learned recently by an Argentinian game developer who has stretched the convention budget a “little” bit too much. An unconfirmed house dealer tells us the story: - So you are the house dealer that gave the cards to this Argentinian game developer right? - Yes it was me. I was running table 13. Usually a quiet one… - So tell us what happened. - This latin guy with a Florida accent comes up and asked me to deal the cards. First I asked the security if it was ok, I’m no racist but everybody knows latin people are lazy thieves! The security said he was on a convention and it was ok. Before I gave the cards I called my bitch to tell her there was a convention going on and she had to cash in… - Yes… ok… please jump to the game part. - Ok, so this guy starts playing and I let him win a couple of times, and he says something like “YaY, que bueno, this looks like when Ignis is beating the crap out of the other realms!”. I had no idea what that meant but, since he was happy, I started getting my result. Don’t tell anyone but we get bonuses on player losses. - Please go on… - As I continue he gets all sweaty and nervous, mumbling something like “La p%$a ma#$e, I was sure my hand would resist… this looks like SoW, you are counting on Aces but won’t even get faces!”. Well, at this point I was starting to feel pity on the poor soul, so I asked him if he was sure he wanted to continue playing, and he said something like “Oh don’t worry, Alsius Horus spends enough plata to pay this all!” - Oh he did?... - Yeah, so from that moment on I just leeched the guy like a knight casting pointless auras on a grinding party… ah… (clears throat)… I mean… what a hell, I just fulminated him! - What then? - Well, he got pretty shaken, left my table saying something like “Nothing that a lvl 70 cap won’t fix…”. FORBES RELEASED THE LIST OF THE RICHEST REALMS … and Alsius Horus ranked first place. This only proves the few get richer while the many get poorer. Several concerned citizens, that also happen to be Regnum players, are already planning to pledge a special social benefit channeled to buy ximerin in order to keep the virtual self with the same opportunities then their richer pairs. An unconfirmed EU secretary already stated that Ignean players WILL NOT receive such benefit since they are, by definition, overpowered relating their Syrtian counterparts. As things stand Syrtian players might get a help for getting their characters up to 60, in order to be competitive against ¼ of a lvl 50 Ignean player. LAST PAGE - What’s the difference between a Gelf and a Goat? - Dunno… - Both backpedal when they see the might of the Ignean army, but only gelfs do so against a tree. __________________ The sound of the Gion Shōja bells echoes the impermanence of all things; the color of the sāla flowers reveals the truth that the prosperous must decline. The proud do not endure, they are like a dream on a spring night; the mighty fall at last, they are as dust before the wind. -- Chapter 1.1 of The Tale of Heike, Helen Craig McCullough's translation

03-11-2011, 01:02 AM	#2
JennyfromtheBlock Apprentice Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 64	That is Epic! __________________ Haven\|Ignis\|Apocalypse Jenny from the Block \| Naughty Nymph \| Naughty Vixen \| Camilla \| Atomic Betty \| Dixie Queen It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. - REM

03-11-2011, 01:13 AM	#4
Envy Master Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 400	Nice This is actually believable war time propaganda. __________________ Pride Greed Gluttony Wrath Envy Lust Sloth There's no such thing as innocence, only degrees of guilt. Immortal Legends / Frozen Flame

03-11-2011, 01:36 AM	#5
Miraculix Count Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Infinite Improbability Drive Posts: 1,287	Maybe if you spent more time grinding instead of bitching about goats you'd all be 60 too __________________ Hit me, nail me, make me God. Panoramix :: Half Elf Hunter ## Miraculix :: Half Elf Marksman ## Aspirinix :: Wood Elf Conjurer Syrtis :: Horus :: Antartes

03-11-2011, 02:10 AM	#7
Southern_Filly Pledge Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: North Carolina, USA Posts: 43	AMAZING! Love it and so impressively written! __________________ Treasure lvl 60 barb ignis, Desert Destiny lvl 50 marksman, Troublez lvl 47 hunter

03-11-2011, 01:07 AM	#3
VandaMan Baron Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 747

03-11-2011, 06:59 PM	#8
DkySven Marquis Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 2,076	The Medenet Times are back \o/ __________________ Dky Sven, level 54 knight (Ra) Valhalla Dky the Goat, level 35 conjurer(Ra) Dky Sven, level 51 knight(Horus) Something

03-11-2011, 10:29 PM	#9
Roxxxy Pledge Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 16	Wow, well written, humorous and very true! <3