The Medenet Times: HORUS Edition n.º 2

Signatus · 03-19-2011, 06:03 PM

Quote of the day:

A good wood elf is an elf on a wooden casket. A good half-elf is a fully dead elf. A good Alturian is always cannon fodder!

in “Tatian’s Collection of Molok Proverbs”

CONTROVERSY BREAKS AT THE ALTARUK ACADEMY OF HIGH STUDIES: THERE MIGHT BE INTELIGENT LIFE IN SYRTIS…

… with an IQ roughly equivalent to a kelonte. The controversy has arisen when a jubilee at The Altaruk Academy of High Studies claimed there were irrevocable evidences to consider the average intelligence of a Syrtean to be higher than it was first believed. Our report on the issue:

- Dr. Ihates Andtoo, you are one of the most preeminent minds of our Empire, what lead you to claim there was such thing as intelligent life in Syrtis, at a kelonte level? The common paradigm only indicates that logical processing abilities on a Syrtean would be roughly equivalent to a tomb guardian with a hive mind.

- My theory is based upon very solid evidence. Our current paradigm is grounded upon 3 irrevocable facts: first, a Syrtean has the reflex condition of tracking: he tracks in the morning to find his breakfast, he tracks when he wants to find the door of a fort and even tracks when he wants to take a crap; second, a Syrtean always runs away when he’s not tracking: there are so many evidences of such behavior that it’s almost irrelevant to point out a single occasion it happens; and third, it takes at least thirty Syrteans together to partly override the former two conditions: they will track anyway, and run too, but sometimes they might not.

- Yes, those are common facts regarding the Syrteans.

- But I made a groundbreaking discovery! Using war logs I found out that Syrteans are able to make simple processing decisions when confronted with competitive information!

- That’s almost heresy!

- Well, “Those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum mechanics cannot possibly have understood it”, or so the Moloks use to say. But let me explain it: when a group of no less than twenty Syrteans pick two competitive tracks, one of three enemies and another of a grinder with less than 25% of his life, they will systematically chase the grinder.

- That is in fact something they seem to do…

- And that’s why I claim: Syrteans are able of intelligent processing behaviours equivalent to a kelonte sharing a hive mind!

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE IGNEAN MINISTER OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS

My fellow Igneans, pride of the free and civilized world, masters of warfare and love making, we shall remember this day in celebration of a fantastic achievement: we are now the only nation of the world completely free of goats AND tree-humpers!

This incredible news is quickly spreading: Alsius and Syrtis have negotiated an alliance treaty in order to “put up some challenge” against Ignis!

This new country shall now be addressed as “anti-Awesome-Ignis” or “Whiners” to shorten. Relating our daily obligation of freeing The Land of gelfs and goats nothing will drastically change, but we have the advantage of getting them both whenever we attack an Alsius fort.

We are however concerned with a possibility, gelfs might get confused with all the Alsius snow and attempt to hump a goat, or goats might get into the mating season and attack everything that moves and with that, a new breed of beings might be created: the goat-gelf.

Our best scientist are already investigating what would be the main strengths of these goat-gelves and so far they have established, with a 99% of confidence level, the following results: none.

They will possess the intelligence of a gelf and the battle prowess of a goat, thus resulting on a creature breed with the equivalent threat level of a summoned zombie…

Our intelligence agencies will continue to monitor the WZ for further developments on this puny threat.

IGNIS REMAINS SUPREME

BETonIGNIS.com RELEASES A NEW BET: “MISS HOT SANDS 2011”

The Ignean bet house released the odds for “Miss Hot Sands 2011”. Bet now and leave your silly magnas on their hands!

Caelia – she gives you a warm fuzzy feeling with her heals, just be careful the way you look at her, there’s a Molok on bear fur somewhere behind you... (3,01)

Roxy – this intrepid dark elf barbarian always rushes first, and shortly behind her, one knight and ten barbarians spreading the Darkness… (3,01)

Naomii – every war band need a feminine touch and she gives it on six different classes… (3,01)

Perlan – HOYGAN! Que hermosa es esta chica! Y que mal yo hablo español... (3,01)

Orimae – she already won this contest more times than we can remember. Ignis loves a lot of things, and Orimae is definitely one of them… (3,01)

Poison-Ivy – her name is misleading, this babe should be called “Sugar-Ivy”… (3,01)

Luina – she’s hawt, but don’t mess with the Apocalypse first lady, or they’ll Pwnie you! (3,01)

Kristianna – she’s Guinivere and for her many warriors charge into the battlefield. Few skelic archers have a personal fan club! (3,01)

Aeshma – her grace and style are a reference on Ignean Haute Couture, many warriors love to stand next to her, and not only for the mana pylons… (3,01)

Another equally hot Ignean girl! - (3,01)

Van on his yellow dress – 1,000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000001

AND NOW SOME NEWS FROM THE OUTER PLANE!

ALL ABOUT THE NEW WARMASTER POWERS…

… that were discarded for the announced ones. That’s right, here at the TMT:Hed, we know all about the new Warmaster powers but we won’t tell a thing about them because, even though we believe in the freedom of press, we believe even more in Yuans! What we have to show you is far better than silly “beacons”, we have all the projected spells that were discarded for the beacons idea, and are most likely better than those who will be available.

Barbarian

What a silly mofo! – deals 10000 direct dmg on a knight using Def Stance (5) + AoO (5) + Block (5) + Precise Block (5)… at the same time.

Swamp Monster – Whenever a barb fully equips the elite barbarian setup he becomes a swamp monster, he permanently gains + 5M str, + 5M const, but worst of it all, children will run away from him…

Knight

Run if you can assholes! – All speed debuffs affecting the knight are converted onto speed bonuses.

Use the head! – Knights can be held by barbarians, like a battering ram, in order to destroy a fort door… and with this they’ll finally have some use besides dispelling ppl, dropping auras and spamming MS!

Conjurer

Summon lvl 60 Enio! – The conjurer summons a lvl 60 Enio with all the gear, setup and skill of the original Enio. He can be healed, mana provided and has automatic casting and auto-aim if the conjurer is confused. However, if the conjurer faces any other Enio (real or summoned), a time-space singularity is created and the server crashes! This is not the only drawback, an epiphenomena also occurs: the summoned Enio gains sentiency on the RO forums and IRC! Please measure very well the pros and cons when using this power…

I’m a conjurer, I need to be nurtured! - NGD will pay for your wildest dreams on a Sub-Saharian African country, or on a Southeast Asian capital city, as long as you continue playing the class. Alternatively you can use the company credit card for shopping in Paris, London or New York for... 30 minutes.

Warlock

I’m sick of this $hit! – If a marksmen hit would kill you, you do not die, instead you become a proper undead entity of magnificent power (you mana pool rises to the 90k and all your powers become lvl 5) until all the Regnum inhabitants lay dead upon your feet and you scream a hideous laugh on a pile of corps.

Evendim Transformation! – you become a perfect copy of Evendim, mass dispel and all… you do have a 100% drop chance to anyone that hits you though…

Marksmen

Intercontinental Nuclear Missile System! – a Warlord Marksmen, stationed at Ilreah Village, is able to hit all Yelamid’s area for 1.000.000.000 damage. He cannot move while he casts this spell and needs the NATO’s Security Council approval to do so… unless the president of the US and A says otherwise and China turns a blind eye on it.

Star Wars! – Marksmen can fly into the thermosphere and shoot down below… they will be as overpowered as they are now anyway…

Hunter

My name is Bond… James Bond! – this power doesn’t do anything special but you’ll start scoring a lot more, in and out of the game! The female version of this power will be:

My name is Vilya… Anna-Vilya!

but further testing is required to understand how it would work…

CIA operative! (Hollywood version) – all grinders with less than 25% of their life flash on your map, furthermore you get a twitter on tracking results every 5 seconds and your distracting shot includes the synopsis on the last Charlie Sheen’s “wtf just happened!” case… at least you will be entertained.

RO FORUM MOD BREAKS THE FASTEST-SPEED-AT-WHICH-A-THREAD-CAN-BE-DELETED

It’s unofficial! The RO forum “gamemod” broke the world record at which a forum thread can be deleted! The TMT:Hed had exclusive access to a forum user thoughts about a RO issue, and they were deleted right on the spot! And unlike most of the discussions around balance and suggestions, it was actually an important issue! This magnificent achievement was finally possible during a week where many forum users found themselves answering to threads that no longer existed by the time they tried to post it (the US government still claims they have never existed though).

Here at the TMT:Hed we possess copies of all the deleted threads and will be giving them to WikiLeaks as soon as the US and EU intelligence agencies finally dismantle them, and convert it on a paid lobby serving news agency.

For the time being it seems that the most heated discussion one can have at a RO forum is figuring out what would fit best on a character: a "Hello Kitty" xim dress, or a "Barbie" one...

LAST PAGE

- What’s the difference between a Syrtis barb with a hammer, and a Horus Alsius barb with a hammer?
- Dunno…
- They both suck at using it but at least Eve’s hammer looks nice!

corollary

- You know what’s the difference between Horus Alsius and Ra Alsius?
- Dunno…
- A goat is always a goat but at least on Ra they are comic book heroes!

Editor’s choice of the week for an Ignis war anthem: Psychopathy Red!

_Enio_ · 03-19-2011, 06:39 PM

rofl, that made me choke over my beer! mean but hilarious

Raideniza · 03-19-2011, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Signatus

CONTROVERSY BREAKS AT THE ALTARUK ACADEMY OF HIGH STUDIES: THERE MIGHT BE INTELIGENT LIFE IN SYRTIS…

… with a QI roughly equivalent to a kelonte.

Says more about the IQ of a person who wrote this then of Syrtis.

Signatus · 03-19-2011, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raideniza

Says more about the IQ of a person who wrote this then of Syrtis.

Nicely spot, that's what happens when you aren't native English, you tend to forget acronyms may not be the same on both languages...

blood-raven · 03-20-2011, 04:59 PM

i believe it's syrtian and not syrtean

AnteUp · 03-21-2011, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Signatus

I’m a conjurer, I need to be nurtured! - NGD will pay for your wildest dreams on a Sub-Saharian African country, or on a Southeast Asian capital city, as long as you continue playing the class. Alternatively you can use the company credit card for shopping in Paris, London or New York for... 30 minutes.

About freaking time!

Step one: Figure out which is the street with the most expensive items.
Step two: Cash in on those items.
Step three: Give the money back to NGD by blowing it all on Xim.

Sounds like a solid plan :P

SirHiss · 03-22-2011, 11:25 AM

Awesome!!

Luina · 03-26-2011, 05:57 AM

LOL awesome. I love those spells! CIA operative ftw!

NSer · 03-26-2011, 10:38 AM

lol It's awesome!!!
i alread want be Eve

Orimae · 03-31-2011, 01:04 PM

Absolutley awesome, great work, lot's of lol's ^^

And i hope i win 'Miss Hots Sands 2011'!!

go Orimae!! XD

03-19-2011, 06:03 PM	#1
Signatus Master Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Damn, I'm lost again!... but now I have a map, wiii! Posts: 389	The Medenet Times: HORUS Edition n.º 2 Quote of the day: A good wood elf is an elf on a wooden casket. A good half-elf is a fully dead elf. A good Alturian is always cannon fodder! in “Tatian’s Collection of Molok Proverbs” CONTROVERSY BREAKS AT THE ALTARUK ACADEMY OF HIGH STUDIES: THERE MIGHT BE INTELIGENT LIFE IN SYRTIS… … with an IQ roughly equivalent to a kelonte. The controversy has arisen when a jubilee at The Altaruk Academy of High Studies claimed there were irrevocable evidences to consider the average intelligence of a Syrtean to be higher than it was first believed. Our report on the issue: - Dr. Ihates Andtoo, you are one of the most preeminent minds of our Empire, what lead you to claim there was such thing as intelligent life in Syrtis, at a kelonte level? The common paradigm only indicates that logical processing abilities on a Syrtean would be roughly equivalent to a tomb guardian with a hive mind. - My theory is based upon very solid evidence. Our current paradigm is grounded upon 3 irrevocable facts: first, a Syrtean has the reflex condition of tracking: he tracks in the morning to find his breakfast, he tracks when he wants to find the door of a fort and even tracks when he wants to take a crap; second, a Syrtean always runs away when he’s not tracking: there are so many evidences of such behavior that it’s almost irrelevant to point out a single occasion it happens; and third, it takes at least thirty Syrteans together to partly override the former two conditions: they will track anyway, and run too, but sometimes they might not. - Yes, those are common facts regarding the Syrteans. - But I made a groundbreaking discovery! Using war logs I found out that Syrteans are able to make simple processing decisions when confronted with competitive information! - That’s almost heresy! - Well, “Those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum mechanics cannot possibly have understood it”, or so the Moloks use to say. But let me explain it: when a group of no less than twenty Syrteans pick two competitive tracks, one of three enemies and another of a grinder with less than 25% of his life, they will systematically chase the grinder. - That is in fact something they seem to do… - And that’s why I claim: Syrteans are able of intelligent processing behaviours equivalent to a kelonte sharing a hive mind! SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE IGNEAN MINISTER OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS My fellow Igneans, pride of the free and civilized world, masters of warfare and love making, we shall remember this day in celebration of a fantastic achievement: we are now the only nation of the world completely free of goats AND tree-humpers! This incredible news is quickly spreading: Alsius and Syrtis have negotiated an alliance treaty in order to “put up some challenge” against Ignis! This new country shall now be addressed as “anti-Awesome-Ignis” or “Whiners” to shorten. Relating our daily obligation of freeing The Land of gelfs and goats nothing will drastically change, but we have the advantage of getting them both whenever we attack an Alsius fort. We are however concerned with a possibility, gelfs might get confused with all the Alsius snow and attempt to hump a goat, or goats might get into the mating season and attack everything that moves and with that, a new breed of beings might be created: the goat-gelf. Our best scientist are already investigating what would be the main strengths of these goat-gelves and so far they have established, with a 99% of confidence level, the following results: none. They will possess the intelligence of a gelf and the battle prowess of a goat, thus resulting on a creature breed with the equivalent threat level of a summoned zombie… Our intelligence agencies will continue to monitor the WZ for further developments on this puny threat. IGNIS REMAINS SUPREME BETonIGNIS.com RELEASES A NEW BET: “MISS HOT SANDS 2011” The Ignean bet house released the odds for “Miss Hot Sands 2011”. Bet now and leave your silly magnas on their hands! Caelia – she gives you a warm fuzzy feeling with her heals, just be careful the way you look at her, there’s a Molok on bear fur somewhere behind you... (3,01) Roxy – this intrepid dark elf barbarian always rushes first, and shortly behind her, one knight and ten barbarians spreading the Darkness… (3,01) Naomii – every war band need a feminine touch and she gives it on six different classes… (3,01) Perlan – HOYGAN! Que hermosa es esta chica! Y que mal yo hablo español... (3,01) Orimae – she already won this contest more times than we can remember. Ignis loves a lot of things, and Orimae is definitely one of them… (3,01) Poison-Ivy – her name is misleading, this babe should be called “Sugar-Ivy”… (3,01) Luina – she’s hawt, but don’t mess with the Apocalypse first lady, or they’ll Pwnie you! (3,01) Kristianna – she’s Guinivere and for her many warriors charge into the battlefield. Few skelic archers have a personal fan club! (3,01) Aeshma – her grace and style are a reference on Ignean Haute Couture, many warriors love to stand next to her, and not only for the mana pylons… (3,01) Another equally hot Ignean girl! - (3,01) Van on his yellow dress – 1,000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000001 AND NOW SOME NEWS FROM THE OUTER PLANE! ALL ABOUT THE NEW WARMASTER POWERS… … that were discarded for the announced ones. That’s right, here at the TMT:Hed, we know all about the new Warmaster powers but we won’t tell a thing about them because, even though we believe in the freedom of press, we believe even more in Yuans! What we have to show you is far better than silly “beacons”, we have all the projected spells that were discarded for the beacons idea, and are most likely better than those who will be available. Barbarian What a silly mofo! – deals 10000 direct dmg on a knight using Def Stance (5) + AoO (5) + Block (5) + Precise Block (5)… at the same time. Swamp Monster – Whenever a barb fully equips the elite barbarian setup he becomes a swamp monster, he permanently gains + 5M str, + 5M const, but worst of it all, children will run away from him… Knight Run if you can assholes! – All speed debuffs affecting the knight are converted onto speed bonuses. Use the head! – Knights can be held by barbarians, like a battering ram, in order to destroy a fort door… and with this they’ll finally have some use besides dispelling ppl, dropping auras and spamming MS! Conjurer Summon lvl 60 Enio! – The conjurer summons a lvl 60 Enio with all the gear, setup and skill of the original Enio. He can be healed, mana provided and has automatic casting and auto-aim if the conjurer is confused. However, if the conjurer faces any other Enio (real or summoned), a time-space singularity is created and the server crashes! This is not the only drawback, an epiphenomena also occurs: the summoned Enio gains sentiency on the RO forums and IRC! Please measure very well the pros and cons when using this power… I’m a conjurer, I need to be nurtured! - NGD will pay for your wildest dreams on a Sub-Saharian African country, or on a Southeast Asian capital city, as long as you continue playing the class. Alternatively you can use the company credit card for shopping in Paris, London or New York for... 30 minutes. Warlock I’m sick of this $hit! – If a marksmen hit would kill you, you do not die, instead you become a proper undead entity of magnificent power (you mana pool rises to the 90k and all your powers become lvl 5) until all the Regnum inhabitants lay dead upon your feet and you scream a hideous laugh on a pile of corps. Evendim Transformation! – you become a perfect copy of Evendim, mass dispel and all… you do have a 100% drop chance to anyone that hits you though… Marksmen Intercontinental Nuclear Missile System! – a Warlord Marksmen, stationed at Ilreah Village, is able to hit all Yelamid’s area for 1.000.000.000 damage. He cannot move while he casts this spell and needs the NATO’s Security Council approval to do so… unless the president of the US and A says otherwise and China turns a blind eye on it. Star Wars! – Marksmen can fly into the thermosphere and shoot down below… they will be as overpowered as they are now anyway… Hunter My name is Bond… James Bond! – this power doesn’t do anything special but you’ll start scoring a lot more, in and out of the game! The female version of this power will be: My name is Vilya… Anna-Vilya! but further testing is required to understand how it would work… CIA operative! (Hollywood version) – all grinders with less than 25% of their life flash on your map, furthermore you get a twitter on tracking results every 5 seconds and your distracting shot includes the synopsis on the last Charlie Sheen’s “wtf just happened!” case… at least you will be entertained. RO FORUM MOD BREAKS THE FASTEST-SPEED-AT-WHICH-A-THREAD-CAN-BE-DELETED It’s unofficial! The RO forum “gamemod” broke the world record at which a forum thread can be deleted! The TMT:Hed had exclusive access to a forum user thoughts about a RO issue, and they were deleted right on the spot! And unlike most of the discussions around balance and suggestions, it was actually an important issue! This magnificent achievement was finally possible during a week where many forum users found themselves answering to threads that no longer existed by the time they tried to post it (the US government still claims they have never existed though). Here at the TMT:Hed we possess copies of all the deleted threads and will be giving them to WikiLeaks as soon as the US and EU intelligence agencies finally dismantle them, and convert it on a paid lobby serving news agency. For the time being it seems that the most heated discussion one can have at a RO forum is figuring out what would fit best on a character: a "Hello Kitty" xim dress, or a "Barbie" one... LAST PAGE - What’s the difference between a Syrtis barb with a hammer, and a Horus Alsius barb with a hammer? - Dunno… - They both suck at using it but at least Eve’s hammer looks nice! corollary - You know what’s the difference between Horus Alsius and Ra Alsius? - Dunno… - A goat is always a goat but at least on Ra they are comic book heroes! Editor’s choice of the week for an Ignis war anthem: Psychopathy Red! __________________ The sound of the Gion Shōja bells echoes the impermanence of all things; the color of the sāla flowers reveals the truth that the prosperous must decline. The proud do not endure, they are like a dream on a spring night; the mighty fall at last, they are as dust before the wind. -- Chapter 1.1 of The Tale of Heike, Helen Craig McCullough's translation Last edited by Signatus; 03-19-2011 at 11:36 PM. Reason: "IQ" thingy, credits for Raideniza

03-19-2011, 06:39 PM	#2
_Enio_ Marquis Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Germany Posts: 1,843	rofl, that made me choke over my beer! mean but hilarious __________________ Fix the Marksman subclass: Suggestion

03-20-2011, 04:59 PM	#5
blood-raven Master Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Belgium Posts: 561	i believe it's syrtian and not syrtean __________________ SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAR BEAR NINJA

03-26-2011, 05:57 AM	#8
Luina Pledge Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Turkey Posts: 6	LOL awesome. I love those spells! CIA operative ftw! __________________ You're so busy on forum, get on it and fight.

03-31-2011, 01:04 PM	#10
Orimae Initiate Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 222	Absolutley awesome, great work, lot's of lol's ^^ And i hope i win 'Miss Hots Sands 2011'!! go Orimae!! XD __________________ Φ Operation Repo Φ

03-22-2011, 11:25 AM	#7
SirHiss Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: . Posts: 42	Awesome!!

03-26-2011, 10:38 AM	#9
NSer Banned Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Russia XD Posts: 592	lol It's awesome!!! i alread want be Eve